The Desert

Oh Jesus how I need your grace and mercy. I am in a desert. That is how I feel right now. Yet I wonder how fruitful this time has been for me. What is this desert I speak of? The past 9 months have been a desert experience for me. For in my meditations this Holy Week, I am seeing some beautiful and thought provoking metaphors between Jesus' time in the desert and my time in Manhattan.

Although Jesus never fell into the temptations of Satan, I must confess though that I have fallen. I have been tripped up by Satan's scheming as well as my lack of trust and faith in Jesus or the prideful ways I keep trying to contend with Satan through only my own power. I need you Jesus.

I feel alone, tired, apathetic, lazy and hungry. Definitely not hungry for food, hungry for a more fulfilling way of life; life lived in the spirit of God, life impassioned with the sacraments, life absorbed with His divine power and strength.

Be perfect as God your Father is perfect. I can only do or attempt such a command if I am united ever so constantly to our Lord in prayer and thought. May this Holy Week be a chance to unite ourselves ever more closely to our Savior.

Did I mention that the chapel here at the student center has a line of students waiting for confession - a line that loops all the way around the back of the chapel and out into the lobby - Awesome? Yes, definitely!

Chaos

So I feel inspired to write tonight. It's been a long time as one of you had mentioned. Today has been chaos. So it was over a year ago that my coworker at the time and I decided that energy drinks and I aren't always a good mix. I love how active and super productive I am on such days when artificial energy is rushing through my veins. You should see how jerky my fingers are as I type tonight. Nevertheless, this morning I decided to enjoy a cappuccino and powerbar as I was driving on the open road back to my desert. More on my desert in my next posting ...

But I didn't just stop with that delicious breakfast. Instead as I arrived at work, I pounded back a large can of Monster Khaos. And then well, I methodically attacked my to do list. I'm really good at procrastinating and well I'm leading a mission trip next week to Denver for 15 college students, so what I'm saying is that I already have a lot of nervous energy and excitement anyway as well a decent amount of things to accomplish within these next two days.

But as I've been rushing here and there I'm noticing a characteristic of chaos within my rushing about today. But I also find it interesting that I've been enjoying myself today. I've been somewhat disappointed in my lack of personal organization and productivity these past couple months. Wow my brain is scattered - hmm, I wonder why.

So what am I saying? I haven't felt a sense of urgency in my life lately. I've been set on cruise control and haven't been challenged, personally or professionally. I've realized that I don't like living on my own. I love the dynamic of how living with a great roommate both challenges you to grow in virtue and share in good familial camaraderie.

So if you are experiencing some chaos right now I pray you are either enjoying the rush of life around you or that you step back for a moment to see the beauty of the many moments that are occurring around you.

Solitude

Oh what an unexpected blessing this Christmas has been! I have found myself in Kansas City by myself for two days. I had invitations to spend time with friends and their families but God was really placing it on my heart to be alone. Why alone I wondered? I am currently residing in Manhattan and feel like I am TOO alone. Nevertheless, I trusted the movements of the Spirit and found myself looking for things to do. I enjoyed Avatar, some sushi and then drove back to my buddies house where I was crashing. I shoveled the driveway and then readied myself for Midnight Mass. I arrived early to get a place in case it packed in like some Midnight Masses in the area and found myself time to journal, pray evening prayer and even partake in the sacrament of confession. And then after mass, I experienced quite the adventure trying to drive home in a blizzard. I had to stop and get gas ... which is a story in itself. But did make it home safely that night.

My Christmas morn was very un-traditional. I awoke late and shoveled the driveway again and then walked down to QuikTrip for a Christmas Lunch of taquitos, Hostess donettes and cappuccino. Weird enough I enjoyed it. Then after an afternoon of holiday movies and working on some personal projects, my solitude turned into an evening of Chinese food with a ol' buddy whom I hadn't seen in 5 years who was also alone but truly stranded at his house. Thank God for a car that can handle snow and ice!

What joys solitude can bring. A peacefulness that can exist within silence and presence of the Lord. I have to include another surprising revelation ... I have only received one present this Christmas and that was from my boss the Wednesday before Christmas. So I spend Christmas without opening a single present. And yet I experienced more joy than any material item could ever bring me. Reflection of how much I am blessed in my life pours life and love into my heart ... an amazing loving family, a wonderful girlfriend for whom I tenderly care and enjoy sharing my life with, the ability to worship freely, sacramental grace which truly affects my corporeal existence, the joy of friends and just life itself, truly blessed am I! Thank you dear Jesus, my Savior and Redeemer.

Prepare

With Advent comes a reminder that we must prepare ... At my church growing up there was often a certain song we would sing at Midnight Mass ... Prepare Ye the Way! I love the melody simply because it's fun to sing but really are we preparing ourselves ... wait a minute ... WHAT are we preparing ourselves for? For Christmas? Okay sure Advent is a time of preparation of the coming of Christ but we sometimes forget ... Christ already came! Sure let's celebrate but this preparation isn't over when Dec 25th rolls around. Are we preparing for the 2nd coming of Christ? Are we preparing for the moment in our lives when our mortal body will no longer be alive? Are we prepared to meet our Maker? To be united with him in heaven? Are we prepared for that ...

Or we are just living ... continually on the run, or walking aimlessly along? What's our destination? Is it Christmas morning or is it the joys of eternity?

Ignorance ...

So I haven't posted in a long while ... but I need to vent for a moment.

I think it's disappointing how some people are rather ignorant ... how does the Church's acceptance of married Anglican clergy (granted we ALREADY accept other married clergy who have converted into the flock) equate to the Holy Father saying all clergy can get married ... I think our educational system needs a kick in the pants. We don't even know how to think anymore.

I suppose this is why the church instructs us to teach the ignorant.

Striving

Today I talked with a friend. I realized how blessed I am. Here I am at times super frustrated with my problems, worries, frustrations, imperfections ... wondering how to become a better man or at least wondering how be inspire myself to do the things that I know would make me a better one. I wonder what is the fear that is holding me back?

Or better yet why am I letting those negatives out-shine my joy and love and excitement for life. There are so many things waiting for me ... it is time to strive for greatness! To shake off mediocrity and be great.

Today God shared a passage of Scripture through me. "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. " Jer 29:11

And also ...
"God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission – I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next.
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons.
He has not created me for naught.
I shall do good, I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place,
while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore, my God, I will put myself without reserve into your hands.
What have I in heaven, and apart from you what want I upon earth?
My flesh and my heart fail,
But God is the God of my heart, and my portion forever. "

I haven't figure out where this second blurb came from yet. If you know please share!

Balance

Balance ... wow that word means so many things to me. Right now it even causes many different emotions. Emotions ranging from confusion to joy and even excitement and uncertainty. And today I sit back and wonder about balancing my "work" and "play" - with a change in job comes a change in routine and schedule. I assume all things have a natural balance if lived properly but today didn't seem like one of those days.

I worked from 8:30-3:30 and then left work did some things, took a nap, and now I find myself back at work at 9pm ... granted I'm taking a few minutes currently to reflect on my day. Weird. It's not a schedule that as I look at it, seems balanced. Am I going to be fruitful working in the morning and in the evenings. As a campus minister, I'm back to the college life in many ways ... I suppose my current calling in life calls for such an adjustment ... it makes sense but I'm hesitant. Wasn't I supposed to "grow up" and live a normal life?

What is a normal life really? Or better yet do I really want to be "normal"? I want to be alive, passionate, on fire, and energetic. Maybe that will require some adjustments. But here's the one thing I've had to search for again these past two weeks ... Emotional Balance, of which can be found most easily through faith and trust in God. Sometimes all we need to do is let go and surrender. HE has things under control.