High Definition

Today I've been thinking about how sometimes I feel more alive than others. The amount of love I feel flowing from my heart or the amount of love I am able to receive from the Almighty is very vivid as of late. I told a friend a couple months ago that when in the state of grace, life seems so much more vibrant, vivid, clairvoyant, and simply bright! It's like if I'm kind of down and dazed and I take some time to stop and be in presence of God with my eyes closed and then I open them, things around me seem brighter even radiant.

I think this is why I love the sun so much! I seem to be living in a world that is ALIVE. I know I've been pondering this concept of being fully alive a lot lately but I think it's an amazing reflection. I have been questioning a lot of things in my life, namely who I am and who God has made me to truely be. Am I living up to His creation or am I letting sin keep me down?

Maybe I'm just letting worries and anxieties to cloud my heart with negative emotions. Thus I'm feeling kind of down and out. I hate living that way ... I want to break free. And I think today He is showing me how. It's time to live life fully and thus see it in high def with His radiance, joy and hope making it ANEW and EVER BEAUTIFUL.

Frozen

You know today I feel alive. I mean pretty alive. I could feel even better but I'd need an extra boost of sacramental grace to make that happen! I decided last night that I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself! How often do we assume the grass is greener on the other side? How often are we waiting to be elsewhere or not simply living in the present. Well I realized its hard to live in the present when you don't know who you are or where you are going. What direction am I going in or who do I want to continuing becoming. My life's only stagnant when I let it be.

Deep down I know who I am and who I want to become but I was frozen. You could I was just trying to make it through. I am experiencing a big transition and well sometimes a big change happens and we are either overwhelmed or we jump fully into it. This time I was overwhelmed. I could write a huge list of things that worry me or that cause hesitancy or simply just make me "freeze." I begin overthinking things ... and so time stops, I quit living and just start wandering aimlessly.

So after a great conversation last night, my friend said to me ... I'm sorry. Granted I really appreciated the compassion and heartfelt conversation. But it got me wondering ... why am I feeling sorry for myself and just getting by? Am I holding on to the past ... oh yeah ... am I scared of the unknown ... sure to some extent ... am I stifling my own creativity and energy ... wow, I guess so. And so before I went to bed last night, I did what I so often used to do ... I made a list.

Today I have direction. Today I live with a purpose. Today I am alive.

Appreciation

I have to admit this last week was an interesting adventure and also a huge array of emotions from up to down to all around. As I was settling into my new apartment I found many things to be true some are as follows ... you can use a pillow case as a dish towel, scrambed eggs can be eaten out of a bowl with your hands, a big red spatula can replace a fork when needed - it's just harder to fit into your mouth, and friends are truly a blessing.

I didn't know taking an hour to be together with friends would mean as much as it does to me right now, even if you are just shooting pool at Gumby's. Thank you. Also a person's legs can get them many places, even if it's over 20 blocks away ... or 1 and a fourth block.

A Stirring

My heart stirs tonight. I am patiently transitioning into my new way of life. I am truly blessed to be working at St. Isidore's and I know great things are going to be happening with the Spirit a movin'. Yet as I make this change I am given the opportunity to take a closer look at myself. Who I am and who I am being called to be is a humbling reflection. Oh how I desire to be a better man.

As I was out walking Zoie tonight, I passed by a house where a father was walking his little daughter around the sidewalk. Oh my heart stirs. I desire to be a father, to have a true companion in a wife and friend on this journey not just some dog to keep me company. Oftentimes our lives aren't on our timeline but on the Almighty's. And well His ways are not our ways. Let us be faithful and patient.

A New Companion ...

I miss you. Yes I said it. After two days away from you I miss you already. Zoie it's been an amazing couple days in Manhattan. I didn't know my heart could grow this fond of someone in such a short amount of time. I know I've been so hesitant to come to Manhattan thinking that I would have so few friends but now I know I will be fine with you there!

Did I mention that I'm now living with a dog? Zoie. She's somewhat too much of a spaz for me at times but otherwise she's really wonderful. She's already kept me from feeling lonely. It's a great blessing.

Anxiety

I've been preparing for a transition in my life as the date to my new job and living in a new city approaches. Although with this new adventure I'm experiencing a new level of anxiety that I haven't experienced before. I am overly emotional and unsure of my deeper emotions that I am feeling or should I say not feeling. It makes me question, how in tune are we with ourselves?

Do we take time for reflection and analyzing our goals? As I spent some time with friends last night, one of them asked, "Why are you being all weird?" And I realize its simply because I don't want to let go of the current blessings in my life. I'm trying to control them and HOLD ON to them because I feel them slipping away.

I am usually so excited about change and new adventures but I feel so worried that I am leaving something behind of which I'm not ready to let go. And with that worry comes an expectation of loneliness. I think anxieties just build upon themselves. But as I've been contemplating all of this I found a letter from one of my sisters that included ...

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Stretch ...

Anxious, afraid, nervous, excited ... all emotions I have sweeping over me currently. How interesting it is to feel so scared at a time that should be so hope filled. A new job, a new city, am I ready to stretch?