Solitude

Oh what an unexpected blessing this Christmas has been! I have found myself in Kansas City by myself for two days. I had invitations to spend time with friends and their families but God was really placing it on my heart to be alone. Why alone I wondered? I am currently residing in Manhattan and feel like I am TOO alone. Nevertheless, I trusted the movements of the Spirit and found myself looking for things to do. I enjoyed Avatar, some sushi and then drove back to my buddies house where I was crashing. I shoveled the driveway and then readied myself for Midnight Mass. I arrived early to get a place in case it packed in like some Midnight Masses in the area and found myself time to journal, pray evening prayer and even partake in the sacrament of confession. And then after mass, I experienced quite the adventure trying to drive home in a blizzard. I had to stop and get gas ... which is a story in itself. But did make it home safely that night.

My Christmas morn was very un-traditional. I awoke late and shoveled the driveway again and then walked down to QuikTrip for a Christmas Lunch of taquitos, Hostess donettes and cappuccino. Weird enough I enjoyed it. Then after an afternoon of holiday movies and working on some personal projects, my solitude turned into an evening of Chinese food with a ol' buddy whom I hadn't seen in 5 years who was also alone but truly stranded at his house. Thank God for a car that can handle snow and ice!

What joys solitude can bring. A peacefulness that can exist within silence and presence of the Lord. I have to include another surprising revelation ... I have only received one present this Christmas and that was from my boss the Wednesday before Christmas. So I spend Christmas without opening a single present. And yet I experienced more joy than any material item could ever bring me. Reflection of how much I am blessed in my life pours life and love into my heart ... an amazing loving family, a wonderful girlfriend for whom I tenderly care and enjoy sharing my life with, the ability to worship freely, sacramental grace which truly affects my corporeal existence, the joy of friends and just life itself, truly blessed am I! Thank you dear Jesus, my Savior and Redeemer.

Prepare

With Advent comes a reminder that we must prepare ... At my church growing up there was often a certain song we would sing at Midnight Mass ... Prepare Ye the Way! I love the melody simply because it's fun to sing but really are we preparing ourselves ... wait a minute ... WHAT are we preparing ourselves for? For Christmas? Okay sure Advent is a time of preparation of the coming of Christ but we sometimes forget ... Christ already came! Sure let's celebrate but this preparation isn't over when Dec 25th rolls around. Are we preparing for the 2nd coming of Christ? Are we preparing for the moment in our lives when our mortal body will no longer be alive? Are we prepared to meet our Maker? To be united with him in heaven? Are we prepared for that ...

Or we are just living ... continually on the run, or walking aimlessly along? What's our destination? Is it Christmas morning or is it the joys of eternity?

Ignorance ...

So I haven't posted in a long while ... but I need to vent for a moment.

I think it's disappointing how some people are rather ignorant ... how does the Church's acceptance of married Anglican clergy (granted we ALREADY accept other married clergy who have converted into the flock) equate to the Holy Father saying all clergy can get married ... I think our educational system needs a kick in the pants. We don't even know how to think anymore.

I suppose this is why the church instructs us to teach the ignorant.

Striving

Today I talked with a friend. I realized how blessed I am. Here I am at times super frustrated with my problems, worries, frustrations, imperfections ... wondering how to become a better man or at least wondering how be inspire myself to do the things that I know would make me a better one. I wonder what is the fear that is holding me back?

Or better yet why am I letting those negatives out-shine my joy and love and excitement for life. There are so many things waiting for me ... it is time to strive for greatness! To shake off mediocrity and be great.

Today God shared a passage of Scripture through me. "For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare, not for woe! plans to give you a future full of hope. " Jer 29:11

And also ...
"God has created me to do Him some definite service;
He has committed some work to me which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission – I may never know it in this life, but I shall be told it in the next.
I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons.
He has not created me for naught.
I shall do good, I shall do His work;
I shall be an angel of peace, a preacher of truth in my own place,
while not intending it,
if I do but keep His commandments and serve Him in my calling.
Therefore, my God, I will put myself without reserve into your hands.
What have I in heaven, and apart from you what want I upon earth?
My flesh and my heart fail,
But God is the God of my heart, and my portion forever. "

I haven't figure out where this second blurb came from yet. If you know please share!

Balance

Balance ... wow that word means so many things to me. Right now it even causes many different emotions. Emotions ranging from confusion to joy and even excitement and uncertainty. And today I sit back and wonder about balancing my "work" and "play" - with a change in job comes a change in routine and schedule. I assume all things have a natural balance if lived properly but today didn't seem like one of those days.

I worked from 8:30-3:30 and then left work did some things, took a nap, and now I find myself back at work at 9pm ... granted I'm taking a few minutes currently to reflect on my day. Weird. It's not a schedule that as I look at it, seems balanced. Am I going to be fruitful working in the morning and in the evenings. As a campus minister, I'm back to the college life in many ways ... I suppose my current calling in life calls for such an adjustment ... it makes sense but I'm hesitant. Wasn't I supposed to "grow up" and live a normal life?

What is a normal life really? Or better yet do I really want to be "normal"? I want to be alive, passionate, on fire, and energetic. Maybe that will require some adjustments. But here's the one thing I've had to search for again these past two weeks ... Emotional Balance, of which can be found most easily through faith and trust in God. Sometimes all we need to do is let go and surrender. HE has things under control.

High Definition

Today I've been thinking about how sometimes I feel more alive than others. The amount of love I feel flowing from my heart or the amount of love I am able to receive from the Almighty is very vivid as of late. I told a friend a couple months ago that when in the state of grace, life seems so much more vibrant, vivid, clairvoyant, and simply bright! It's like if I'm kind of down and dazed and I take some time to stop and be in presence of God with my eyes closed and then I open them, things around me seem brighter even radiant.

I think this is why I love the sun so much! I seem to be living in a world that is ALIVE. I know I've been pondering this concept of being fully alive a lot lately but I think it's an amazing reflection. I have been questioning a lot of things in my life, namely who I am and who God has made me to truely be. Am I living up to His creation or am I letting sin keep me down?

Maybe I'm just letting worries and anxieties to cloud my heart with negative emotions. Thus I'm feeling kind of down and out. I hate living that way ... I want to break free. And I think today He is showing me how. It's time to live life fully and thus see it in high def with His radiance, joy and hope making it ANEW and EVER BEAUTIFUL.

Frozen

You know today I feel alive. I mean pretty alive. I could feel even better but I'd need an extra boost of sacramental grace to make that happen! I decided last night that I was going to stop feeling sorry for myself! How often do we assume the grass is greener on the other side? How often are we waiting to be elsewhere or not simply living in the present. Well I realized its hard to live in the present when you don't know who you are or where you are going. What direction am I going in or who do I want to continuing becoming. My life's only stagnant when I let it be.

Deep down I know who I am and who I want to become but I was frozen. You could I was just trying to make it through. I am experiencing a big transition and well sometimes a big change happens and we are either overwhelmed or we jump fully into it. This time I was overwhelmed. I could write a huge list of things that worry me or that cause hesitancy or simply just make me "freeze." I begin overthinking things ... and so time stops, I quit living and just start wandering aimlessly.

So after a great conversation last night, my friend said to me ... I'm sorry. Granted I really appreciated the compassion and heartfelt conversation. But it got me wondering ... why am I feeling sorry for myself and just getting by? Am I holding on to the past ... oh yeah ... am I scared of the unknown ... sure to some extent ... am I stifling my own creativity and energy ... wow, I guess so. And so before I went to bed last night, I did what I so often used to do ... I made a list.

Today I have direction. Today I live with a purpose. Today I am alive.

Appreciation

I have to admit this last week was an interesting adventure and also a huge array of emotions from up to down to all around. As I was settling into my new apartment I found many things to be true some are as follows ... you can use a pillow case as a dish towel, scrambed eggs can be eaten out of a bowl with your hands, a big red spatula can replace a fork when needed - it's just harder to fit into your mouth, and friends are truly a blessing.

I didn't know taking an hour to be together with friends would mean as much as it does to me right now, even if you are just shooting pool at Gumby's. Thank you. Also a person's legs can get them many places, even if it's over 20 blocks away ... or 1 and a fourth block.

A Stirring

My heart stirs tonight. I am patiently transitioning into my new way of life. I am truly blessed to be working at St. Isidore's and I know great things are going to be happening with the Spirit a movin'. Yet as I make this change I am given the opportunity to take a closer look at myself. Who I am and who I am being called to be is a humbling reflection. Oh how I desire to be a better man.

As I was out walking Zoie tonight, I passed by a house where a father was walking his little daughter around the sidewalk. Oh my heart stirs. I desire to be a father, to have a true companion in a wife and friend on this journey not just some dog to keep me company. Oftentimes our lives aren't on our timeline but on the Almighty's. And well His ways are not our ways. Let us be faithful and patient.

A New Companion ...

I miss you. Yes I said it. After two days away from you I miss you already. Zoie it's been an amazing couple days in Manhattan. I didn't know my heart could grow this fond of someone in such a short amount of time. I know I've been so hesitant to come to Manhattan thinking that I would have so few friends but now I know I will be fine with you there!

Did I mention that I'm now living with a dog? Zoie. She's somewhat too much of a spaz for me at times but otherwise she's really wonderful. She's already kept me from feeling lonely. It's a great blessing.

Anxiety

I've been preparing for a transition in my life as the date to my new job and living in a new city approaches. Although with this new adventure I'm experiencing a new level of anxiety that I haven't experienced before. I am overly emotional and unsure of my deeper emotions that I am feeling or should I say not feeling. It makes me question, how in tune are we with ourselves?

Do we take time for reflection and analyzing our goals? As I spent some time with friends last night, one of them asked, "Why are you being all weird?" And I realize its simply because I don't want to let go of the current blessings in my life. I'm trying to control them and HOLD ON to them because I feel them slipping away.

I am usually so excited about change and new adventures but I feel so worried that I am leaving something behind of which I'm not ready to let go. And with that worry comes an expectation of loneliness. I think anxieties just build upon themselves. But as I've been contemplating all of this I found a letter from one of my sisters that included ...

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

Stretch ...

Anxious, afraid, nervous, excited ... all emotions I have sweeping over me currently. How interesting it is to feel so scared at a time that should be so hope filled. A new job, a new city, am I ready to stretch?

Pouring Out

It's been an interesting evening tonight as I've been sharing my news of recent. My position of youth minister is being eliminated due to budget cuts. I have been experiencing many emotions but tonight is definitely been the roughest to experience ... telling the kiddos that I won't be there much longer. To see the look of shock and disappointment on their faces ... whew, how to keep it together.

How funny it is to pour your whole self into something for three years and then see the rug be pulled out from underneath you. I am disappointed that these kids have to go through this ... again. I know God has a plan bigger than I can imagine at this point. But I must move forward and continue pouring out my heart.

Family Ties

So tonight I have been greeted with memories of my dearest late Grandmother, Grandma Genevieve. Why tonight? I don't know what makes this night special ... except well now that I think about it she passed away just around 3 years ago. Oh the memories ... I love you Grandma.

I realize how much I miss certain people even certain things: a hug to show affection, a stupid yet funny joke, my comfy firm bed, a hearty Sunday brunch, a small peaceful town, beautiful country plains, a faithful quiet church. I can't say that I'm proud that I didn't go see my family this Easter. I realized today how much I miss them.

Don't let your heart wander to far. Stay in touch. You might have to sacrifice, you might have to swallow your pride, you might even have to humble yourself but do it out of love.

Flexible?

Oh what a blessing the open road has been. Unfortunately I haven't encountered anything unusual or exciting to tell you but I do have one funny story.

How flexible are you? So I realized while preparing myself for a day on the sunny sands at Daytona Beach that when applying suntan lotion on oneself it is pretty much impossible to get your whole back covered. So with much futility I struggled, strained and stretched trying to coat my pale skinned back of which hadn't seen sun for a few months. By the end of a nice relaxing day of wandering on the beach and playing in the waves (Note to self: it's weird being at the beach by yourself yet surrounded with hundreds of people, next time vacation with other people.) I happily made my way back to my lodging to admire a bit of a tan I had soaked in. Although as I turned admiring my body (uh ... I mean my tan-ness) in the mirror I noticed a nice red square on my back. (Note to self: ask a cute girl on the beach next time ... and then maybe you also won't be by yourself.)

Experience The Now

So in an attempt to rejuvenate, I have hit the open road and am getting away for awhile. Now although I have been driving for a couple days now and I'd like to be at a destination (although tonight I am enjoying the company of a cousin in Atlanta), I realize that life is much like what I am currently experiencing - a journey. Sure it's a journey but that leads me to other thoughts ... where are you going? And if you are mindful of your destination the only thing that matters right now in the now is your journey. Are you living it fully? Are you on the path that you want to be on? Are you mindful of "smelling the flowers" or are you rushing to make it somewhere?

In driving on the open road, I've realized that I speed ... often. My brother-in-law's habit of driving SUPER SLOWLY has always bored me to death and annoyed me greatly. But really are we rushing to get some where or are we enjoying the journey? Enjoy the journey ... enjoy your life!

Grasping or Letting Go

How interesting it is when God reminds us that he is in control. How we want to grasp on to things with ALL our might. And we do so using all our energy. That's what I've been doing. Holding on because if I let go then it wouldn't be how I desired. But I'm not only too tired to continue that, I finally surrender my will. Thy will be done.

Lord you have given me a friendship that I cherish so much. Help me to love as you desire. Help me to give my heart as you desire. Help me to be a friend.

Grace Filled?

How tender and receptive are we of God's grace? He desires us to live a vibrant life ... a life united to his powerful divine life. Do we allow ourselves to be filled with that grace or are we a cracked bowl existing only in a daze, a daze of bewilderment, a daze of confusion, a daze of loneliness or pain. Why don't we RUN to God's infinite power, strength, and peace, first allowing Him to heal us and make us anew and then be filled to the brim with his blessings and grace but not only that ... Lord pour into us so that your grace may overflow onto others around us.

Now let us not be mistaken ... the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Should we not be thankful for both? What is God going to give you today? Hold out your begging bowl and let Him decide what you need or what you should do without.

Abandonment

So often Christ asks us to abandon our will. Are we willing to let go of our own plans or desires? Why do we hold on so tightly? This life isn't ours to grasp to selfishly. Sure we can do that. We can fashion masks hiding our true self, build walls protecting our heart and be self seeking. But we weren't created for that. We were created to LOVE. Is it easy? No. Is it painless? No. Is it simple? Yes.

Ready to lay your heart on the line?

It will hurt.

Need a Lift?

PANCAKES AND LOVE

Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents
pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter,
opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor. He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad. He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove, and he didn't know how the stove worked!

Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky. And just then he saw Dad standing at the door.

Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was make them proud. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him. Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process.

That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend or we can't stand our job or our health goes sour. Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do.

That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him. But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to "make pancakes," for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...

-- Author Unknown

Grace Like Rain

What a rush of cleansing grace. I enjoyed something tonight which I haven't done in years. I went running in the rain. Now granted safety was somewhat of a concern but I knew I had to brave the occasional lighting and thunder as I drove home after working late. The streets were calling my name and the rain was pouring down. What a sense of freedom!

As I was out enjoying splashing in puddles and feeling the rain fall upon my face, I was reminded of the most dangerous thing I had ever done in my life. Granted it was definitely stupid but it also is one of the most exhilarating and enjoyable memories I have of my college days.

Back at K-State one night a group of friends and myself had gathered for an Ultimate Frisbee game at Old Stadium. What we weren't expecting was a severe thunderstorm lighting up the sky and crackling thunder overhead. But did that slow us down ... well only a couple times ... when the lighting crackles so loudly that everyone freezes and huddles closer to the ground yeah it makes you wonder how dumb you really are. Nevertheless, there is something to be said of the pouring down rain ... how beautiful, how refreshing, how magnificent it is.

Love Hurts

God has created us for joy.  He didn't create us for pain and misery.  Are we willing to turn to Him and receive His love?  Why doesn't that seem like enough sometimes?

Blessed Assurance

I find myself pondering many things: things in my mind, things on my heart, and even questioning if God is speaking to me. We have so little assurance in this life. No assurance that the phone will ring as you hope to receive a call, no assurance that life will happen as though we desire, no assurance of anything on this earth, our only true assurance is that God is there waiting for us. Waiting for us to turn to Him and say: that's it ... it's yours, she's yours, I'm yours, I am nothing without you Lord.

What do we expect to give us joy in our lives? Our friends, the ability we have to run or dance, banana granola pancakes? Maybe we are not looking in the right place. But if God is giving me direction and leading my heart, do I trust what I'm now experiencing? Is this where he has led me?

I ponder the following quote tonight. May it give you hope and peace as it does me.

"I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer..." -Rainer Maria Rilke

Revel in the Unknown

I am reminded recently that life is full of questions. When I was young I assumed that I would someday know or figure out most of the answers. But now I realize that as I let my heart and mind be more and more reflective, sure I find answers but mostly I just find more questions.

Why does it bother us so to not have the answers? Life is not black and white. Should we not instead revel in this state of unknowing. Can we simply enjoy the journey, the pursuit of knowledge and understanding?

The Alpha and The Omega

A beginning and an end ... not only is this the beginning of my blog, Lent has also just begun. And as I remind myself everyday at work, I must begin with the end in mind. Where do I want to be in 40 days? And in asking that question, I can now appropriately and successfully move onward.

Who is it that I want to be in merely a month from now? A loving son, a caring brother, a better uncle, a compassionate friend? Simply a better person? I suppose I could sit and write a list that feels as though it has no end or better yet, I can be a man of action. I could get off my lazy bum and seek out all those friendships that I let suffer. I could actually go visit my family! Maybe I'll just take 20 minutes out of the 40,320 minutes I have every month to write to my eldest sister. The possibilities are almost endless in this limited amount of time we have here in this world. So how are we going to spend our lives?

Are we going to live life fully. And yet not so full we forget the most important things to us? Have we forgotten or ever experienced the beauty of simplicity? Or have we just let some of the not-so-important things take priority? Most importantly, are we ready for the end? When our earthly journey comes to an end, will we be content with how we have lived? Or as Thoreau says, are we living a life of quiet desperation?